Orgasms

I believe Sir has asked me to write how I feel when I orgasm before, but I am sure it hasn't been since we started living together, and a lot has changed since then.

How I feel depends a great deal on the circumstances surrounding the orgasm.

If it's late at night and I know he has work in the morning then it is often a mixture of guilt, coupled with feeling like an inconvenience. I think this often leads to difficulty in reaching climax, despite my body begging for release.

It's difficult to write about feeling any other way than I describe above because it seems like we are always having sex in the wee hours, when he is tired and has work. I do feel loved because he isn't dismissing me, and he is willing to put off his own sleep to take care of my needs, but it is burdened with a lot of guilt.

One of my favourite ways to cum is to have started the 'session' in an off mood. Not really eager for sex, or worse in a bad mood, and then driven so wild by his touch that I am begging for it. At that point when I climax I feel completely and totally owned, truly as if my body were his betraying me to obey his commands.

I don't think I am in a very good place at the moment, I am tending to see everything with a shade of negativity, so choosing now to write about my orgasms is probably not the best time, because even those are harder to come by (no pun intended).

Today Sir has tasked me with watching an update from the Sex and Submission site and writing a commentary on it, noting my likes and dislikes and my feelings about the dominant.

http://www.sexandsubmission.com/site/shoot/5852-Charlotte-Vale.html

The thing I liked the most about the entire shoot was that she was forbidden to say no. When she wanted to indicate something in the negative she had to be creative. He would ask her something to which the answer would have been no, and she would have to come up with something like "I would prefer something else" or "please don't" but never the word no. I like that kind of protocol.

The shoot itself was pretty bland, only two scenes, both of which she was bound in an unusual position. She had to wear a ball-gag which I would like to try. She was straining wanting to cum and he made her articulate clearly with the gag in her mouth which was fun.

The dominant, Mark Davis, is decent. I like his penchant for finding what the girls don't like and torturing them with it. I think a good dominant has to be somewhat sadistic, and he has a nice balance. Clearly he wants his girls to feel pleasure, although he constantly reminds them it's about him and not them.

Not the most erotic or enjoyable of scenes but it had some nice elements.

Catching Up

The last post by either of us was almost two years ago. A lot has happened since then! I posted in September 2008 about his return trip here. He went home, put his affairs in order, bought a one way trip and came back to Australia.

It's been a hard two years. I would often liken it to an arranged marriaged. There was so much we had to adjust to, and very little of it involved BDSM other than some wonderfully kinky sex.

Recently we went through a series of events that brought us closer, not the least of which was me being admitted to hospital for surgery. This led to the two of us recommitting to each other, and rededicating ourselves to the BDSM lifestyle.

This is our continued journey.

AD/HD Submissive

I have AD/HD, or so I am told, although I hate acknowledging it. I guess I would rather think of myself as self centered, selfish, lazy, stupid, than to think of myself as someone who uses a new and cool diagnosis as an excuse for their behaviour.

"Lacking adequate stimulation, some people with AD/HD will subconsciously seek other means of stimulation. And that includes overeating, drinking to excess, pot smoking, porn viewing, and gambling as well as behaviors such as provoking others into a fight and starting arguments. The adrenaline that is released during the conflict, paradoxically, acts to calm the brain, sort of like the stimulant medication does." Gina Pera

I think I find this sort of release when Sir hits me, especially when its methodical and rhythmic. It centers and calms me, it helps me find focus, it calms the noise in my head, it makes me feel better. Better about myself, better about my life. For that short period of time it all makes sense, I make sense, I have a purpose and a reason.

Owning It

At times I feel a great deal of shame regarding my submissive needs, my desire to be used and objectified. I remember saying to Sir recently that I felt I should be able to do what "normal" people do and stuff it back down, swallow it, hide it, be miserable in a vanilla life and accept that is how it should be.

I watched an O where the submissive felt similarly. She felt somewhat sexually repressed, unable to talk dirty, unable to ask for what she wanted, unable to accept herself. When her trainer put her collar on she became almost euphoric. He said to her that the collar symbolized her owning it, owning all her shit, not being afraid of it and accepting it. "It's your sexuality, you can do whatever you want with it."

My collar isn't just a symbol of how Sir owns me, its a symbol of accepting myself. It doesn't just say to the world that I am owned, it says I am comfortable with who I am and what I want. I'm not at the stage of total self acceptance yet, but each day I am embracing my own thoughts a little more, exploring them a little more.

It's still quite a daunting prospect to communicate these feelings and desires to him. I suppose I want him to guess what I want and need, and find it within me and pull it out of me so that I have no choice but to accept it. Maybe I need him to push me more, to demand more of me, something to help him understand what I need.

Desperate and Destructive

Sir came and spent another two weeks with me and we spent the time in a fulltime, live in D/s dynamic. It wasn't fantastic, the sex was nothing like I remembered it, we clashed a lot and he tried way too hard to get me to be pleasant in the morning. But that's just us finding our ground, I expect that it will be like that for some time. I didn't want to put a huge amount of pressure on the relationship by expecting it to be just right at the beginning, he's strong enough and patient enough that he can lead us in the right direction.

By the last day of his visit I was feeling pretty miserable. I had almost zero time to myself over the past two weeks, and my regular day to day life had been totally disrupted. On top of that a friend of mine had a pretty serious car accident, yet I could only spend a few hours one evening with them because neither Sir or myself felt it was fair that he had travelled over 10,000 miles to sit alone. We put it down to poor timing but I felt incredibly stressed and pressured not to mention unbelievably torn.

So I took him to the airport and watched him walk away, again. I browsed through the airport bookshop and then hopped on a city bus, did a little shopping and then headed home. I had the house to myself for two hours so I climbed into bed and dozed a little, relishing the warmth and softness, listening to the rain and loving the time to myself.

Once I felt restored I took a deep breath and then all of a sudden I felt like crying. He was gone again. I couldn't believe the loss I felt, still feel. Every minute that he is gone I feel worse. I find myself being short tempered and irrrational, and then of course I feel guilty that I am subjecting him to those negative emotions when this move to return to me permanently is a greater ordeal for him than I will ever know. God, I hate guilt, fucking catholics.

It's going to take him about a month to return. I text him and bug him to come online to spend time with me, but then when he gets there I want to lash out at him for leaving me again. Nothing feels the same without him here, nothing. He asked me to wear my cuffs throughout the day to comfort me, but instead they just irritate me, yet while he was here I was loathe to take them off, I loved them so much.

Sigh. Pout.

Remember, dominant, not domineering!

I was tasked today with writing on the blog. I have not done so lately because I am also tasked with writing in a journal daily (which is often not much more than a recitation of our daily conversations), and I do not like to repeat myself with such regular monotony. I do not mind sharing my thoughts, I feel in fact it is necessary for Sir to have a greater understanding of what I am thinking and feeling and I have endeavored to create an environment where I let him know verbally what's going on... every other means of communicating that feels redundant. I do it because I have been asked to and because I imagine he will get some pleasure from reading my written words.

Ours is not a full on D/s relationship. I understand that I am to respect him and remember always that he is my Owner, but I am not a service slave. My purpose in this relationship is not to be attentive to his needs 100% of the time. We have talked, and agreed, that most of the time we would appear to the casual onlooker just like any other couple. So, the way I see our relationship is that after attending to my daily tasks, unless he has bid me otherwise, I am free to do my own thing. I should clarify and say it is not just my interpretation of our relationship, he has said those same words to me, that unless he states otherwise I am left to my own devices.

Today he got irritated that my attention was distracted from him, and without informing me that this was the case, he allowed it to get to a point where he berated me and then said goodnight. When we discussed it, he initially responded with, "Well what did you think would happen?".

This is unacceptable in many ways.

I have offered my submission to him because I enjoy being at his beck and call, and I enjoy being told what to do by him. For him to "endure" my behaviour or an activity I am performing when he would prefer me to do something else, means that he has forgotten his role as Dominant. All he has to do is ask me to stop.

For him to state what he did, means that he has forgotten that I am free to do as I please unless directed otherwise from him, he is forgetting our agreement. Furthermore, I don't want to guess every minute of every day what it takes to please him. That's why I want a dominant, because I am so tired of guessing what people want from me, and ultimately getting it wrong. I don't mean this to sound like I am not capable of "checking in" to see if he needs anything, or offering affection or attention spontaneously, but I am not a mind reader, and to check in constantly puts me in the position of service slave, an unhappy service slave.