Opening Up

Upon my request Pet posed a few questions to me. The most important to her was one regarding the impact of her relinquishing certain account information to me. How did it make me feel when she gave in and gave me access to her email and other accounts? How do I feel that impacted our relationship and me directly?

For me personally it was as if the dam had broke. I had hounded her about this in the past, being open, giving me more access to her life, having barriers brought down. It was not until we discussed BDSM and spoke about her poly dynamic nature that she was ready to do this. Pet is a very fun loving and open person. She loves meeting people and exploring new relationships. It was something I was not comfortable with and to her defense I will say that much of her reaction was based upon my unwillingness to bend. I demanded complete monogamy. I cringed whenever she mentioned someone else in a manner which seemed "too friendly." I had lived up to this point in my life thinking that if you loved one person so much that you wanted to be with them - that this left no room for anyone else. How could you say "I love you" to more than one person - and mean it? That is not to say that Pet falls in love constantly or fools around with everyone she meets, do not get the wrong impression. She just has a much more open nature than I did. When she tells me she loves me, it is in a much deeper and meaningful context than when she says it to someone else. Her physical desires with someone else may not have the emotional and deep connotations that resonate when she is with me. I was rigid and totally inflexible in regards to any and all issues regarding this part of who she was.

This caused her to be unable to be completely open with me. Some may think it a cop out but I've come to realize it is not. She closed off aspects of her life and was not always up front with me about other relationships, etc... but she honestly did care for me and for us so much that she didnt want to break what we had. Before I met her I would have called bullshit and left. But even knowing and feeling that I was not always being clued into the "real" story I felt compelled to stick with her. To this day I can not honestly say what drove me so. How many people would want to stick around in a relationship where they didnt feel secure? I am glad I did though.

When I saw her in August some of the initial barriers had been stripped away. There is a guy whom she had met before me. She had told me that after we met she had ended the relationship - something that was not entirely true. I asked her flat out at one point during my trip if she had been with him since her and I met. She lowered her head, became a bit teary eyed and said "yes". I'm not sure how long I laid there silent, not wanting to speak because of the anger and frustration I felt rising within me. I wanted to hurt something, badly. They say not to ask a question you don't want an answer to but in this instance it was something I needed an answer to. At that point it was then my choice to move on or not. I had already "felt" that things with this man had continued between them. I could not corroborate between fact and my feeling however, not until that moment looking into her eyes. For me that was a first step but it still didnt open the barriers completely. It brought out honesty and I think gave us both reason to think seriously. I felt at that moment and thereafter that I could begin to trust her more to levels I felt apprehensive about previously. I am not sure how she felt although I believe that she may have realized too that it was "OK" for her to be more forthcoming about things as well. We discussed the issue and both took account. I was upset at the time over it but it quickly passed and we moved on. In a way I surprised myself at my reaction - that I let it go and allowed reason and my feelings for her over-ride my natural disposition to get angry.

Giving me her account passwords just completely broke the dam for me though. It was an act of complete submission upon her part. She had fought for so long, tooth and nail, to keep parts of her life private. For me it meant that she had capitulated and was opening herself up to me completely. It was like saying "I have nothing to hide, you have access to even the private parts of my life." I came away from that day feeling more secure than I ever did before. I don't exactly know what it was about that necessarily. You can make a hotmail account in thirty seconds. If she wanted to keep things secret from me she could. But I trust that she wont. I'm not sure what it is about giving me that access but for me it just let me know that things had moved to a new level. We aren't in Kansas anymore. The plateaus I have reached with her in regards to trust, love, and I daresay compassion are unknown to me. It makes me feel as if I am not only exploring a new relationship and delving deeper into that but it has unlocked parts of me I didn't know existed before. Why did I stick it out for months with her, feeling the whole time that I was in the dark about some things? Why do I feel such compassion for her? So many questions that make me examine myself. That alone makes me love her all the more. Pet has helped me open up pieces of myself I didn't even know existed.

I felt powerful too. Not in a conceited way. But it made me feel good knowing that she trusted me enough to give me that control and to know I had it. To know that I had the dominant role in the relationship after being fought for so long. Specifically related to BDSM it made me feel in charge and good as well. I have noted in previous blogs how uncertain I was that such a strong willed creature as Pet could submit fully to me. By her allowing me access to every part of her private life it was like a guarantee almost. I felt that "hey, she really is serious about this. She really is giving up control and submitting." It was reassuring. It helped to secure me on the BDSM fundamental in addition to everything else. I knew it would not be a game or fantasy that would be brushed aside at the first hint of a struggle. The security it helped provide really allowed me to open up more and be more expressive with her.

The impact it had on the relationship is almost self evident. Because of the increase in security and my comfort I felt more compelled to be open to things about her nature I hadnt been before. And vice versa - because I opened up and was more accepting and thoughtful she in turn was more open and progressive as well. It was a really good cycle of positive reinforcement. Her positive displays reinforced me to be positive back. Ive noticed my views have changed considerably. Rather than being dark and negative at times I am almost entirely positive now. This has come out in the change in our relationship. It is much more invigorating now, more natural and "easy". I am incredibly thankful for these changes. It is not "all" due to something as simple as her opening her passwords and accounts to me - but it is the thought and concept behind it that provoked some changes. Rather than feeling she was secluded away from me or keeping portions of her self locked I felt everything open up. Just like a flower blossoming I feel our relationship opened and blooming - like the flower spreading its petals for the sun.