I know that as an individual I am not perfect. Nobody is but I hound myself incessantly about it. I strive to be perfect and to show you every consideration possible. I certainly realize that as your Owner I have an increased level of responsibility to look out for your needs and feelings. I have to balance my own needs, desires and feelings with yours. I work so hard to affect changes about myself which I know cause friction and conflict within our relationship. I feel confident and positive in the changes I have made and I can slowly see myself grow and mature in many ways. Some changes happen faster than others and there are many facets of myself which I wish would improve at a more rapid rate.
Whilst I feel that I have made many changes and worked hard at making others, I still sometimes feel as if I fall short. I still do things and say things which cause issues between us. I find I hate myself incredibly at these moments. Any frustration or annoyance I felt towards you last night turned back upon me after I tried to sleep it off. It is as if all that negative energy I feed into being upset at you haunts me after the dust clears and I take stock of what just happened. The intense level of guilt and anger I found facing myself put a pit in my stomach that I still have not been able to rid myself of. I anguish over what I see myself do or say at times. I am so hard on myself after the fact and yet I continue to make poor judgements and allow emotion to cloud over reason. I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me that I can love and care for you so much, that I know this is what I want...I know you are working hard and want it too...and yet I continue to act like a complete ass at times.
I do not want to screw this up. We have such a great time together and there are so many great things in our relationship. I am certain I will never find another individual in this lifetime that has the effect upon me that you do. Every time I make a mistake I fear that it will be the last one you can handle. If I knew why I kept making mistakes I would change it in a heartbeat. I do know that I should take more time to process my thoughts at times when I feel frustration or anxiety but I find it so difficult to follow through. I catch myself most of the time and rephrase or redirect a question. It is the other 10% that keeps catching me though. And unfortunately when those occur you turn back into your natural stance and we escalate.
Often, at these moments, I wish to be upset with you over how you react to the situation. We both have choices which influence how the current situation passes. Last night you chose a few methods which were, perhaps, not the best. Your natural armor and instincts come out and I think we both lose sight of where we should be and it takes us some time to come back to it. I will sometimes, as I did last night, get worked up over how you've reacted back to me. The stubborn and obstinate part of me wants to be upset at this self-perceived indignity. I became frustrated first, then used logic - whereas I should have used logic and then gotten upset AFTER I spoke to you about it if I did not like the answer. In my"frustrated logic" scheme I could only come up with one possible cause for what had happened based on the information I had. So I then chose to be upset rather than calmly talking to you about it. I do not agree with how you then reacted over what I said. I think some of the things you said after that point did nothing but inflame the situation further. However, the blame is not yours, as if I didn't put us in that place to begin with there would be no reason for you to act defensively.
And now once again I find myself back at square one, asking myself why the hell I cant get my shit together and be perfect for you.
I thank you for your patience and your efforts. We have delved into something that has made me extremely happy. The changes in our relationship, in myself, and in you are wonderful to feel and see. Babygirl I wish to the sky that I could guarantee that I will never allow emotion to cloud over reason. I would give up everything I have, short of you, if I could figure out how to fix that part of me. If there was a switch in my brain or a set of synapses to block that would click that particular aspect of my thinking off - I'd do it. I do not like causing you pain like that and it kills me a little bit inside every time I do.
All I can tell you is this: I will NEVER give up on us. I will NEVER stop trying to improve myself. I will always try and make this relationship better and it will be my number one priority. Considering going back on medication for ADHD so that I have some extra help controlling the impulses and urges in my brain that cause me to speak before I think or allow my emotions to overpower my logic. I cannot promise you perfection and I cannot say I will never slip. I just put my faith in that you will be willing to look past my shortcomings and enjoy us for the good that exists within our relationship. I apologize in advance for any transgression, any pain, any hurt I cause that is not intentional or wanted. All I can do is ask forgiveness, understanding and tell you to stand firm with me.
I Love You
Whilst I feel that I have made many changes and worked hard at making others, I still sometimes feel as if I fall short. I still do things and say things which cause issues between us. I find I hate myself incredibly at these moments. Any frustration or annoyance I felt towards you last night turned back upon me after I tried to sleep it off. It is as if all that negative energy I feed into being upset at you haunts me after the dust clears and I take stock of what just happened. The intense level of guilt and anger I found facing myself put a pit in my stomach that I still have not been able to rid myself of. I anguish over what I see myself do or say at times. I am so hard on myself after the fact and yet I continue to make poor judgements and allow emotion to cloud over reason. I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me that I can love and care for you so much, that I know this is what I want...I know you are working hard and want it too...and yet I continue to act like a complete ass at times.
I do not want to screw this up. We have such a great time together and there are so many great things in our relationship. I am certain I will never find another individual in this lifetime that has the effect upon me that you do. Every time I make a mistake I fear that it will be the last one you can handle. If I knew why I kept making mistakes I would change it in a heartbeat. I do know that I should take more time to process my thoughts at times when I feel frustration or anxiety but I find it so difficult to follow through. I catch myself most of the time and rephrase or redirect a question. It is the other 10% that keeps catching me though. And unfortunately when those occur you turn back into your natural stance and we escalate.
Often, at these moments, I wish to be upset with you over how you react to the situation. We both have choices which influence how the current situation passes. Last night you chose a few methods which were, perhaps, not the best. Your natural armor and instincts come out and I think we both lose sight of where we should be and it takes us some time to come back to it. I will sometimes, as I did last night, get worked up over how you've reacted back to me. The stubborn and obstinate part of me wants to be upset at this self-perceived indignity. I became frustrated first, then used logic - whereas I should have used logic and then gotten upset AFTER I spoke to you about it if I did not like the answer. In my"frustrated logic" scheme I could only come up with one possible cause for what had happened based on the information I had. So I then chose to be upset rather than calmly talking to you about it. I do not agree with how you then reacted over what I said. I think some of the things you said after that point did nothing but inflame the situation further. However, the blame is not yours, as if I didn't put us in that place to begin with there would be no reason for you to act defensively.
And now once again I find myself back at square one, asking myself why the hell I cant get my shit together and be perfect for you.
I thank you for your patience and your efforts. We have delved into something that has made me extremely happy. The changes in our relationship, in myself, and in you are wonderful to feel and see. Babygirl I wish to the sky that I could guarantee that I will never allow emotion to cloud over reason. I would give up everything I have, short of you, if I could figure out how to fix that part of me. If there was a switch in my brain or a set of synapses to block that would click that particular aspect of my thinking off - I'd do it. I do not like causing you pain like that and it kills me a little bit inside every time I do.
All I can tell you is this: I will NEVER give up on us. I will NEVER stop trying to improve myself. I will always try and make this relationship better and it will be my number one priority. Considering going back on medication for ADHD so that I have some extra help controlling the impulses and urges in my brain that cause me to speak before I think or allow my emotions to overpower my logic. I cannot promise you perfection and I cannot say I will never slip. I just put my faith in that you will be willing to look past my shortcomings and enjoy us for the good that exists within our relationship. I apologize in advance for any transgression, any pain, any hurt I cause that is not intentional or wanted. All I can do is ask forgiveness, understanding and tell you to stand firm with me.
I Love You
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