Owning It

At times I feel a great deal of shame regarding my submissive needs, my desire to be used and objectified. I remember saying to Sir recently that I felt I should be able to do what "normal" people do and stuff it back down, swallow it, hide it, be miserable in a vanilla life and accept that is how it should be.

I watched an O where the submissive felt similarly. She felt somewhat sexually repressed, unable to talk dirty, unable to ask for what she wanted, unable to accept herself. When her trainer put her collar on she became almost euphoric. He said to her that the collar symbolized her owning it, owning all her shit, not being afraid of it and accepting it. "It's your sexuality, you can do whatever you want with it."

My collar isn't just a symbol of how Sir owns me, its a symbol of accepting myself. It doesn't just say to the world that I am owned, it says I am comfortable with who I am and what I want. I'm not at the stage of total self acceptance yet, but each day I am embracing my own thoughts a little more, exploring them a little more.

It's still quite a daunting prospect to communicate these feelings and desires to him. I suppose I want him to guess what I want and need, and find it within me and pull it out of me so that I have no choice but to accept it. Maybe I need him to push me more, to demand more of me, something to help him understand what I need.